Every year, 3.6 million children suffer from abuse in the U.S. alone, according to Child Protect. About one in seven kids deal with neglect, physical, mental, sexual abuse, or a combination. Children who are abused not only endure physical injuries but psychological ones as well. It enables trauma-based disorders to develop such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), acute stress disorder (ASD), second-hand trauma, reactive attachment disorder (RAD), and disinhibited social engagement disorder. People tend to disdain abuse once the survivor has been removed from the situation, but the damage and long-term effects do not just go away once the abuser does.
I have personally struggled for years with feeling attached to and defined by my abuser. I have struggled with the frustration of not being believed or heard. The flashbacks, nightmares, guilt, anxiety and depression, panic attacks, emotional detachment, I have felt it all, and these are normal reactions to horrible experiences. I was so full of anguish, I felt like this person who took so much from me, who took things from me that I can never get back, who cheated me out of an innocent and happy childhood, got to live freely while I was left with the repercussions.
There is not a day that goes by where I do not deal with the aftereffects of my abuse. Even now, being almost 18, I am still significantly impacted by things that occurred in my young childhood and I will be for the rest of my life. I want to bring to light the fact that so many people have had similar experiences to myself, and likewise have been stuck silently in agony. So many people’s cases have been forgotten about and people are left without justice. As if unless it’s happening right now, it’s just not a priority.
Feeling like you are not getting justice after going through so much undeserved and unrecognized trauma and pain only amplifies those feelings. It does not matter how long ago these distressing events happened, the pain will continue to linger and worsen as time goes on if left unprocessed. Some people are left so traumatized they physically can not talk about it until years later. Others may have been so severe it turns into repressed memories and your brain physically will not let you remember what happened until it thinks you are ready for that information. Your trauma is valid and everyone deserves justice no matter how long it’s been.
Many people do not even know they are being abused until after the fact. In hindsight, everything seems so obvious, but in those moments it can be hard to recognize the signs and accept what’s happening. I was in denial for so long, I did not want to think about it so I pushed those memories away which ended up hurting me even more. I started remembering more things as time went on, flashbacks would pop up at the most random times.
I did not want to call it abuse, because I thought it was normal. I was scared, but I thought this person loved me so that made it okay. My perception of love was skewed, it is never okay for someone to treat you in a way that makes you scared, uncomfortable, or uneasy. It doesn’t matter who they are – family, friends, or a partner, that kind of behavior is never justified. The first step of recovery is acknowledging and accepting that this horrible thing happened to you, you can not change or control it, and it is not your fault.
One of the hardest parts about coping with and processing trauma is learning how to talk about it. These are the deepest, most personal issues a person could be dealing with and it is hard to divulge. The fear of being judged, blamed or doubted can push someone to reticence. I understand that feeling entirely, for me it was hard to be open because I felt so awkward and uncomfortable speaking up about it. These memories live in my brain and after suffocating them for so long, it’s painful to try and bring them to the surface.
Even though forcing yourself to recall and speak about your experience is awful and scary, I can not stress enough how beneficial it can be. The first step I took was writing about it in a journal. Something for me that no one would ever see, but it helped me understand what happened and how I felt about it. Even just writing random thoughts in your notes or saying them on your phone can be helpful. Then, I told somebody for the first time. I told my best friend stories that I thought would never see the light of day. Since the first time I talked about it, it’s only gotten easier. I started telling other close and trustworthy people, everyone was supportive and empathic. I told my therapist who had to make an official report about it. I was petrified, I felt like my lungs were collapsing, and I had this sudden fear that everything was happening too quickly.
These were stories that I told myself I’d take to the grave, but I knew I couldn’t keep living like that. Trauma and emotions are not meant to be kept bottled up. The mental toll that keeping these secrets was taking on me got to be too much to handle alone. As it would for anyone, this type of pain runs so deep that it can embody your entire life if you allow it. Thinking that it was not okay to talk about it only further pushed this idea that somehow I should feel bad for this, that I did something wrong.
My anxiety was making me sick and my depression was telling me to give up, but I could not sit back and fed fear any longer. I was so tired of being held hostage by my trauma, I felt like I was being punished for something I did not do. I hated myself because I felt that I allowed these things to happen to me like I was too naive to recognize the signs, or not smart enough to find a way out. I was a child, and I did not deserve what happened to me. Nobody deserves to go through those experiences, to be treated as less than others, and nobody should have to carry the weight of it on their own.
For a while, I could not talk about anything without crying, so I used that as an excuse to stay quiet. Eventually, I just stopped caring. I let it all out, continuing to speak through the sobbing, nose running, and all. Those crying, screaming conversations with family, a therapist, or even with myself were by far the most therapeutic.
Since opening up, I genuinely feel like I have alleviated a burden. I never thought anything would help, I thought I’d be stuck in this horrible place forever. Now I'm in the best mindset I've ever been in. I spent so much time alone trying to grow as a person and give myself the space I needed to heal. I have put so much work into trying to be a better person, and in the process, I’ve learned to forgive all my past selves. I know now that I did the best I could with the level of awareness I had.
I’m still unlearning bad habits, and there are still days when it all comes flooding back into my mind and I feel like I have to start all over. However, those days are few and far between. Things have gotten so much easier, my days are brighter and I’m learning to heal my inner child too. Healing doesn't just happen, it takes work and endurance. You can’t put a time frame on recovery so give yourself patience. Give yourself all the love and kindness that you put into others. I promise there is hope, there are things that can change for the better. Your voice deserves to be heard, help is out there you can get justice and bring peace to your mind.